Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
