You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It's shark week go big or go home
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
