I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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