the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
