Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
