i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
