this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
