in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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