Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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