bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
