Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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