She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Randomize
