I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize