Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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