I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
