my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
