Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
