i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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