look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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