I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He better not be in your backpack
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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