I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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