i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
