Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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