dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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