I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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