oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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