If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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