Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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