I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
as a side note pls kill me
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
