I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
