Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize