perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
