This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
