I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize