I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize