We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
And the cops told us we were all naked.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
