An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
