First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
