I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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