I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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