there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
