Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
