she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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