Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
