My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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