Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
