whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
