Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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