Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
