im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize
