I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
