this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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