What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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