How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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