My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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