mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My first STD was from a foam party
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
