I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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