Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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