Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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