Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
