Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
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