I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
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