so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
