I faked an abortion last night.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
