I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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