I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
