seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
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